Musings at 3 AM

I can't sleep. There's too much running through my mind. Maybe blogging might help. We'll see.

We'll start with an update. There's not really much detail I can (or should) go into, but let's just say that change is definitely in the air. My first counselor decided to leave the Ward. His excuse was that he was moving even further out in the middle of nowhere practically. And while that's a valid excuse, I think it lies deeper than that. Ever since his last relationship ended, I think it's been awkward for him. I can't blame him really, even though, the way he ended it was not the right way to go about it. Whatever. So now, I'm on the lookout for another. At least for the amount of time that I'm still here. Still, if I want to make a noticeable difference, I need a first counselor. The Bishop suggested someone and I think it might be a good idea. I need to make a temple trip to figure out this and other questions.

I'm not sure how much respect I have among those I serve, or even among those who I want to call my friends. It seems since I became Elder's Quorum President, that even more people can't seem to take me seriously; almost as if they still have a hard time seeing past who I was, or who they thought I was. It's been at least 5 years for most of these people and yet they still can't seem to get over themselves and make the effort to do much of anything. I wonder if this is how David felt. Granted, he had an automatic in with those people. I don't. I don't know, it just makes me wonder how I can reach the members of the quorum without coming down on them like I did a couple of times before. When it comes to the friends aspect, I know there's at least 4 people my age who are members that I know are my friends. The rest…I don't know. I wonder if the others I should consider friends at all. Mainly because they're people that my sister usually hangs around and I'm usually the taxi driver. I know I joke about it with them sometimes, but it's still there in the back of my mind. Right now, it's a mystery. Am I nothing but a chauffeur to them? It also makes me wonder how things will be between me and them in a month when my sister leaves. I would like things to stay the same and see where things go, but I doubt they will. More than likely they'll go in a direction I don't want. Hell, it's already doing that anyway.

Love is also a very confusing beast. My sister has at least 6 guys who she knows are chasing her, and some she wishes they were. One of the six is a mutual feeling (I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this. The guy is about 6 inches taller than me, but the hilarious thing is that I think he is genuinely afraid of me, like terrified) and she's hooked up with him. On the one hand, I'm happy for her. She finally found someone who makes her happy right now. On the other, the dude is not a Member, and while he's a cool guy, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with her dating the guy. We'll see how it goes. Then there's me. Broken up with my last girlfriend since March due to an answer from the Lord that, at the time, I did not want. Attracted to girls that I either can't have, don't want me, or are way out of my league. I don't know what to do. Should I just hold out until I leave myself? Or should I keep trying and keep looking? The thing is, most of the time, I just want to have fun. I'm not even sure if I want a relationship again. Beni-friends could be good, though. But even then...I tried that before and while it was very fun at the time, looking back I realized that I felt hollow. Do I really want that again? And should I really encourage it with others? Probably not. Still…it's tempting…

Vent doors are now closing. I'm about to collapse on the keyboard.